So here's the skinny.

I drove my Jeep to work this morning, no problem. Had lunch in it, which was great. Got in to go home after work and it wouldn't start.

Yes the battery is good (tried boosting it anyways)
Yes the transmission was in park (tried in neutral too)
Yes the vehicle in question is a '91 Limited with the [stupid] factory alarm.

I got in, turned the key to the ign position, let the fuel pump prime (as I normally do), and was greeted with a click. No action from the starter at all - just a click.

I then turned the key to the off position and the alarm started going off. Well, the security and high-beam lights started blinking but the horn didn't sound.

tl;dr?

Engine won't start, alarm goes off when I try, main relay seems to be making a helluva lotta noise.

Sounds like a bad battery. Take it somewhere to get checked. Clean the battery post to might be dirty.

Have you put the key into the drivers side door and turning it toward the front of the jeep?

Wait you said just a click. Like when you turn it all you hear is one click and that's it?

Prolly your starter. My XJ did that. Changed the battery and still didn't tuen just got click. I took my starter to advanced and they tested it and bad starter.

if its a factory alarm there will be a fuse or a relay labeled alarm in one of the fuse boxs either under the hood or under the dash or theres a fuse on one of the wires running to the alarm box(usually located under the dash). if u take the fuse out it will kill the power to the alarm and ur car will start if ur batterys good and ur starters good.

always check ur battery and make sure ur termanils arent coroted. autozone will check ur battery for free.

ha, ha ... not laughing at you, but if I didn't know better, I would think I wrote this thread. The exact same thing is happening with my XJ. My battery is less than 6 months old. Crawl under it & bang the starter with a hammer or something heavy. Jiggle the wires. Then try to start it. If it starts then you have a bad starter. That's what I did about 2 weeks ago and she started right up. But I wasn't ready to buy a starter yet, so I parked the XJ. Well, I was ready to go this morning and zilch! Serves me right. Gonna try & squeeze one last start outta her tomorrow and take it to the shop for new starter.

Good luck with yours!

Thanks for the advice on the battery, it's fine though.

As for an alarm fuse... nope. There just isn't one. I can see the factory alarm 'computer' clear as day - it's even labeled in big, easy to read letters. As for a fuse though, nope; and who could blame them? If defeating the alarm was as easy as pulling a fuse then what would be the point?

I've searched around using Google and found a couple of Grand Cherokee owners who've had similar problems. The solution was the disabling of the factory alarm (sometimes people were able to reset the alarm using the key trick and get a few days/weeks/months extra life).

Edit: Thanks, _StationWagon_

By chance, is your XJ a Limited (or simply equipped with the factory alarm)? I'm getting a lot of people telling me to do this and that while completely ignoring the fact that my alarm seems to be making the main relay go crazy; which seems very significant to me as the factory alarm functions as an immobilizer and would likely prevent the car from starting.

If your getting a click at the starter, then it isnt the alarm. I would suspect starter is bad.
Or clean the battery terminals.

did u try and put the key in the door and unlock the car and c if the alarm turns off. some factory alarms are controled bythe key in the driver door.

Allow me to be more detailed on what's happening with the alarm.

I'll go to start the engine, get a click (which does sound like it's coming from the starter) then the alarm will start going off. Sometimes the alarm doesn't go off and I just get whole assload of noise from what I can only assume is the main relays - since nothing in the car has power until it straightens itself out.

I'd like to reiterate that this morning my car fired, same as it always has. We tried jumping it off a running vehicle and nothing changed. Still got a click, still got the same bizarre alarm weirdness.

Edit: Forgot to mention that the key in the driver's door doesn't work for me. I have to use it in the passenger's side or the trunk - but either of those two will disarm the alarm (I've set it off by accident many times before).

my friend had the same problem and his battery terminals were dirty. check ur terminals he couldnt figure out what was wrong for a week before he checked them.

Had that happen with my Alpine alarm on my 93 Cherokee a couple of times. 99% of the time they will put a fuse right where the alarm connectes to the battery terminal. Pop the hood and pull the fuse to the alarm, then try jumping it.

jump under there and arch the starter manually. try it a few times. if it work every time then starter is good. Yes those alarms are dumb. Hit up FRANKZ for a wiring diagram for that year and see what you can trace down to deactivate that crap even if its not your starting problem

You've heard this before I know but My sis's mustang had been to two different dealerships for a no start program and tested at the local autoparts store. The negative terminal was dirty where the wire terminated into it. I cut them cleaned them and put a new terminal on it with a bolt/plate that terminates the wire. Bam! fixed everything. Went home and did the same to both my other vehicles. If you got the original terminals, new ones are like 3 bucks. Try it. Its worth a try. Bad batteries will cause some weird *** shizer to happen.

Ok, I'm starting to think it's a battery problem too.

Today I went back under the hood to poke around and noticed that the positive terminal was almost too hot to handle, the negative was normal. Thoughts?